Piece of Mind

Soft Science

2012-01-13T16:00:00.001-08:00

What do you want to be when you grow up?

That had to be the hardest thing to answer for me as a child
At the age when minds were running wild
What are the things we want to change?
Why do things have to rearrange
My mind would change as time would pass
To understand a place at last
That wonders beyond this time don't inspire me
But the wonders of the now that no one sees
What is it that makes the human mind tick?
How do we fall for the same old tricks?
Why do you choose paint and I choose words?
And others tools and gears or chords?
How are we all living differently
Yet all claim to humanity?
These are secrets I hoped to claim
That different mouths all think the same

Time marches on and we all grow
More technological our mediums now
And someone asks me "what's the point
Of tracking every data point
Of smaller change, movement, and sound
When calculations do this now"
"My science isn't real" I've heard
Our research is nonsense and absurd
We are cells fired at spontenaity
And that causes confusing emotionality
Well if you believe we are just circuitry
Then why even discuss this with me
What motivates you
To have a point of view
Since circuits give us no cue
And fire only when told to
No, consciousness eludes you
Frustrates and confuses too
But somehow it's something we can't forget
Even though there is no "concrete" proof of it

I don't aim to be the one who knows
Some universal hopes and dreams and goals
But only hope to best understand
The mediums best for unique hands
And counter believers of lifeless circuitry
With soft instances of our humanity
And those with eyes only for the future
That around them is an organismic culture
That must grow in tandem with wild minds
So we can make the best of shortening time

Revival

2012-01-13T11:27:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling rhyme-y with reason so expect some more poetry here.

I've also been published for our findings in rat brains.

I have also given a presentation on Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game Addiction (seen below) and an accompanying paper (which will also be below)

Addicted to technology

View more presentations from Shcl1438.

Path3fullpaper

View more documents from Shcl1438.

I'mma get rantastical up in here!

sweet jesus the doodles!

2010-03-01T06:59:00.000-08:00

this is the scan for the asia comics, I find drawing chibis very hard.

Dream 11/30/09

2009-11-30T11:16:00.000-08:00

I meet this Indian girl and she asks me what I do, in order to keep this anonymous we recognize each other by a nickname made out of our jobs. I think I'm on a blind date, with Pila; the nickname I made from philosopher. I think we hit it off great and then I go to visit her at her home by swinging in on a blanket tied around my wrist. At first the people in the home are amused and then they talk about how we would never work. She's a philosopher and I measure giants. I sadly walk away leaving my backpack on the hillside and ski down the grassy hill. I return later to get my backpack to see that people are filming something. I get very angry because they moved my backpack and I yell out. One of the guys from the comedy group that's filming asks me whats wrong. I tell them, where is my backpack? I just had to break up...with this very nice girl...after swinging from 8 blankets...the backpack had gargoyles... He cuts me off at "gargoyles" going "Oh god I'm sorry, but you have to understand what a find that is. I haven't had those in ages, gummy gargoyles are so awesome I couldn't resist!" he says that he moved my backpack not far from here. I tell him to hustle or I'll kick him in the shins. I wake up.

The Ethics of Human Experimentation without Consent

2009-09-23T12:24:00.000-07:00

If you have ever been bored enough or enticed enough by money with minimal effort involved, I'm sure that you will be familiar with proper protocol for a scientific experiment. Whether it is an invasive procedure (needles and radioactive injections) or a survey, a subject consent form is naturally involved. Ever since the supposition that people have rights of their own to protect and that fairly detrimental procedures to the individual are more important than the good that we can surmise for general population (look I don't believe it but scientifically speaking it's true), there will always be an "informed consent form". If you care you will read it and sign, if you don't you will just sign. The idea of informed consent has been applied to most areas of life that require the ensuring of rights and our humanity such as medicine, law, pharmaceuticals, taping for television, facebook, and sex.

What sparks this topic this month are the recent articles that I have found that have to do with the idea of consent at the beginning and at the end of life.

So lets start at the beginning. I know that the idea of stem cell research is a very touchy position for people to choose sides on, especially with the whole "an embryo is a person" thing. Personally, I support it and I support abortion. The two go hand in hand, you see its a great business plan. Aborted babies go to stem cell research and everyone is happy; no kid and they did not go to waste, they are helping humanity. And don't tell me we don't already needlessly throw away humanity. So yes I'm a fan of this, however I am not a fan of sneakily stealing baby bits for random purposes without consent. Thank you Britain for doing this and making the race that will destroy the world. The realization comes at the end of the article when Britain is like, "oh god what have we done?!" It's not like they've harvested body parts before. When it comes to the body it is incredibly important to know where things are headed and what for. Tissue was collected in tissue banks hopefully for furthering the the studies of stem cell regeneration, etc. I'm sure the tricky wording of the collection forms made it sound like it would be nothing at all, probably something to help cancer, not for actually creating spiderman. American Banks have something called Standards, an ever changing set of rules unavailable to the public (I've been searching for a good couple of hours now, nothing accessible without subscription. There is a need to be informed or at least have the idea of information readily available before making such a bold donation. Sperm has one function, Tissue is very general and has many purposes. Do not feel stupid to ask what all the masses of print mean, that is what the people who give you the forms are supposed to be responsible for. Some people have the opportunity to agree to help humanity, others are not as lucky.

The truth is, prisoners are people, recovering from bad deed done. We forget this, it is an easy thing to do. But this does not mean that they are incapable of decision. Even those on death row should have a choice on their last moments of life quality. What PART of that discussion is right? I think they are being punished enough. I mean, it would be a PITY if they were to pass out and die an excruciating, long, and painful death while walking to the chair... SERIOUSLY, they are still people! This would mean that prisoners on death row not only will be subject to dangerous experiments without their consent, they will also fall victim to the side effects...which are unknown! And I'm guessing these aren't the "please fill out a survey" type of experiments, which also need consent. This type of experimentation can range anywhere from taking out organs/brain bits/limbs to see what happens to infecting/injecting experimental biochemical warefare/experimental vaccines that lead to illness and infect the world. Picture them, with their last meeting with a loved one canceled because they have anthraxAIDSwine flu because the scientists want to see how fast they die. I say infecting the world, because the actions of a human being cannot ever be truly contained or monitored. Especially with viruses and bacteria, they could stay on the walls, prison gaurds/cleaners have to clean those places up, launderers have to wash the sheets, the sheets are all infected, the prison is infected. It's a raccoon city waiting to happen. Experiments to help battle the current plagues of humanity I would understand, or even donating the organs to people who needed them or consented scientific organizations. But medical experimentation inevitably is bad for us all no matter how well contained...always ends in zombies.

So hey, guess what, there are things you have no choice in anyway. This has been going on forever. Emergency experimental procedures implemented to help aid recovery, aka House M.D. Therapeudic procedures have been done without consent in hopes to help the patient, the ER is also the only place that these sorts of situations are available to be tested on. It requires a lot of trust in your physician and trust in the people that you have appointed to make decisions for you when you are unable to. However when this parlay is in play, its a carte blanche excuse to experiment to fix things and experiment just because. Hello Tru Blood. Doctors also take advantage of the fact that people are unconscious in general. They've also been just throwing shit in the things you do everyday, like drinking.

Medical malpractice happens, it is a risk we take by leaping into science and putting our lives in its hands. Science is everchanging and its solutions are not finite. It is also being practiced by human beings who are prone to anything from shaky hands to very questionable ethics. Morality is something that everyone questions in other people and it changes from person to person. You can even say that my statements on abortion is terrible and wrong. However, the information on your choices in science are out there. Do not sign away blindly, ask questions about the advancements being made instead of accepting them to be. Science is a process that has alternative paths to the same goal. Even if the goals are hybrid human animals, we all have judgment. You can make the choice to advance what you wish to advance.

The Pill (and other oral contraceptives)

2009-07-30T10:37:00.000-07:00

I'm under the impression that yes, only one gender will appreciate this particular entry, but I'm going to write it anyway so that the other gender is not left in the dark as to what is happening to us and why we don't like it. Some background info about the pill so you can help follow this entry. The two main active ingredients in BC are estrogen and progesterone. Due to the difficulty in mass creating progesterone in labs, progestins are synthetic progesterone steroids found in birth control. They have the same effects essentially, with a few more side effects. The pill also increases natural progesterone production, and that is why I will use them interchangeably in this entry.

Let's look at the marketing side, this Target Women sums up the ridiculousness in trying to make a normal part of life sound like a defect in us as human beings...and also not call it slut meds. Does anyone have the fear I do about "fewer periods"? Side effects for that one from the bloody website (no pun intended) describe it essentially as like having PMS ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Do you people realize this?! Men initially exclaim, hurrah sex without worries; and later say DEAR GOD SEX WITH A DEMON WHAT HAVE I DONE?! Also weight gain, which men tend to have a qualm with...so I hear. But your acne will clear up! But like with all things, effects vary from person to person. So men, you could potentially be sleeping with an angry blob, but you with be smothered by oh so acne free skin!

My personal experience with BC has felt a lot like being on weird antidepressants. I felt like I was in a haze (which is also caused by an effect that could ruin your contact wearing days), sometimes rather lost in the bubble of arm's reach. Emotionally not pleased really, bordering on mild anxiety and paranoia once it's completely a part of my regime in my system (not like me). Things just felt a bit more lackluster than normal. Not to mention that working out did not feel as fun and made me more aware of my body...

So with each of these symptoms in mind, I decided to check it out. Turns out, being in a haze is because we loose spatial relation recognition. So great, I can't see and I can't understand how this door will jut out and smack me in the face...thanks hormones. As for the emotional bits, guess what, we become clingy bastards because we have lowered levels of oxytocin; the ONE HORMONE that we actually NEED to be happy and secure when it comes to relationships. This is released when cuddling and makes the relationship fulfilling as opposed to just sticky bodies. Lack of it leaves us searching for the high...aka searching for our partners at all hours. This makes us more likely to hold grudges, loose our shit, and break other people's break bones. So you don't need emotional attachment eh? just need it for sex...well guess what that shit lowers sex drive AND enjoyment so you don't even care about it anymore. Can't even enjoy sex?! what's the point of living?! Yes you will pose this question and slip into DEPRESSION. What's even sadder in that article is that its being proposed as an automatic side effect, it doesn't even follow the progression that I have laid out here. In the realm of body awareness, you think, "well gee I'll go running and attain runner's high and I'll look great while doing it". It should at least cancel out the annoying weight gain as a side effect. Well guess what? you will have to work out harder to feel ANY JOY you would have normally. That's right, higher threshold for your body to realize, oh hey you should probably feel good about what you're doing, since you are essentially reaching starting point on your weight after that stupid pill and possibly building muscle...OH WAIT you're not building muscle. So you will look FUCKING THE SAME no matter how many miles you run, but MAYBE, just MAYBE you will feel good about it. Well you should probably keep running, so they can take care of that breast cancer you are likely to develop. YAY bigger breasts for my man that are filled with cancer! Well, if you happen to fall over while running or from the massive weight of your breasts and hit your head, you'll be happy to know that Progesterone helps prevent head trauma! It is a general a neuroprotectant which is a good thing to keep your brain running; so no matter how many times to try to bang your head on walls to end the aforementioned madness, your brain will be just fine. Oh, and you can do absolutely nothing about blood clots, which could cause a mild case of death. So run all you want, you will still die the way obese people do.

So lets sum up shall we. Marketing tricks people into believing that there is something biologically wrong with them called a period and they should get rid of it right now. This has the underlying voice yelling SLUT SLUT SLUT. Hopefully being educated consumers, while looking up the amount of side effects that are marketed, it doesn't seem so bad, also you get bigger boobs and clear skin! Over the course of time, one will start to feel self conscious, angry, clingy-needy, and not enjoy sex. Efforts to feel better such as working out will be null and depressing. Depression leads to head banging on a wall, but you will keep all neuroprocesses and memories. Your eyes will explode due to being misshapen blobs. Then you will die like a fat person despite your efforts.

GEE, I wish there was something MEN could do. Well its on the way, also possibly without the mess (I can't help but wonder who this site is targeted to, the weird colors really throw me off). Can we really trust men to do this? Would they? FUCK NO is the response (paraphrased) in the comments section of this entry at askmen.com. THANKS GUYS.

So, all of this...or baby.

This is information I've posted for anyone that is considering the pill. I've researched it out of curiosity for myself. I don't think it should be stigma-ed as the slut pill. After 35, risks for most things go down and if you are STILL not ready for a child in the relationship you are in, this is a helper. I figure a communicative relationship would cause the least amount of emotional pain while on the pill. It is a woman's body and yes you can control that, but you can't control the interactions you will have or need. Also not a prolife thing here, the teaching all life is sacred is great, but it is human nature to toss the broken aside. Again, info is here for people, compiled and researched for you to chew on.

Trinkets and Whispers

2009-06-26T11:15:00.000-07:00

I had a dream that we were still really good friends, that's kinda how I knew it was a dream. Good friends in the sense that we told each other everything that was going on, good and bad in our lives. We tried offer the small amounts of insight and motivation that we had to one another. Again exactly how we used to be. I woke up and realized that I have no real reason to be angry with you. I know much more horrible things on this earth now and see that you embody the ideals of a human being. I know we can never go back to that, but I do have the memories (sitting in a box under oolong tea). Trinkets and whispers.

some work doodles

2009-06-23T18:56:00.000-07:00

Drawn on the backs of things...
...of work related things

Effects of Video games and Brain Functioning

2009-06-18T12:12:00.001-07:00

After endless hours of bejeweled, I mean working, I was sent another blog more for my own interests. This entry intrigued me because the link to the tetris effect is very true. High energy and competitive matches of tetris with friends on a long train ride had left me mentally rearranging floor tiles and a bout of sibling rivalry settled by puzzle quest had me finding "4 of a kinds" on the ceiling. So, I guess I'm really good at puzzles possibly relatable into my life?...this is not a good thing, the paper linked shows that the advances made internal functioning by rotating shapes to compute problems does not outweigh the external efforts put forward. Also the type of memory needed to get through puzzle gaming is the same that is needed for basic physical tasks such as typing and repetitive motions. Perhaps they should have looked at the effects of gameplay on cortical remapping. Initial learning may be slow, but eventually our brains learn streamline medial processes until they simply do not require much thought. The inital GMR increase also acts as a nice high. So we have procedural memory effects, but what about slightly more complex games?

In light of the INSANE ban on all "violent" games in Germany (rant on that to come), I have indeed found studies on action games on the brain. Attention allocation is the key element to the success or failure of a mission in an action game, this is compounded by the heightened amount of panic felt with increased adrenaline with the effect of horror or action. It was found that action gamers have "enhanced attention" which lets them focus on periphery when needed. In addition, another study finds that visual processing is faster in recognition of brief images. These studies seem to point out that gaming streamlines the brain to become a more efficient machine.

Streamlined beings at the height of their neurological processes, then how has the English language dilapidated to a point of pocket dictionary usage? The area responsible for language in the brain is referred to as Broca's area which sits in the inferior frontal gyrus of the left hemisphere of the brain. It is required for language comprehension and production. This appears to be a very weighted process for the brain in that it is left brain oriented. Several areas are activated in the brain when gaming due to the factors involved. Spatial awareness and recognition are complex and activate the hippocampus, cerebellum, and basal ganglia. I find this interesting because these areas are overarching in functions to both sides of the brain. I have found it harder to access higher knowledge after having played WoW for a very long period of time. This is simply a theory: but the processes required to effectively play a game are different from that to create speech and act intelligently instantaneously. I feel it needs a bit of rewiring before it can properly crunch out the rules of grammar to make an educated statement. However the second reason is that (especially with MMOs) that typing out simply cannot express yourself as fast as speaking, so game abbreviations have been created.

And now some details and opinions about violent games.

I looked up, printed out, and read two papers to actually be able to write this post. In light of the current ban there was a particular paper by Ingrid Moller that studied the longitudinal effects of violent videogames on German adolescents. Moller finds that gender disposition leads boys to choose more violent games that girls and that their playing remains consistent where girls tend to drop off. Another point is that there has always been a slight relationship between aggressive behavior and violent games, however the directionality was unclear. Due to the longitudinal nature of the study, it does show that based on self reports "those who spend more time playing violent video games become more physically aggressive." Consistent playing leads to normative acceptance of the violent natures portrayed in the games, it also influences their decision making processes based on their beliefs. But that's just one culture, surely other cultures would be self aware...
In another study done by Craig Anderson and Akira Sakamoto, a similar longtitudinal study was done in both America and Japan. These two countries were chosen to compare the individualistic nature of western culture with a more collective community of eastern culture and if violence varied. Sadly increase in aggression is cross cultural, physical aggression increases with habitual playing of violent video games. This paper also finds that the younger the children start playing, the more likely it is to influence their normative beliefs and in turn their decision making processes.

I have one thing to say about all of this: ...PARENTING.
A popular idea in the theory of development of adolescents is "nature vs. nuture". Innate beliefs that children have are very important in how they assess the situations presented in the material that they perceive is usually understood the be the "nurture" aspect due to upbringing. "Nature" means environment and is ever changing with the advancements of humankind.

Levels of physical aggression can escalate no matter what gender or age you are, if you are not told that to lash out and beat people is wrong, then someone has abandoned their responsibility. Children will retreat to the screens and wires because they can forget about the madness that is their lives, no matter how it is perceived. Or parents dump their children onto this mechanical nanny and wonder what happened along the way. A regulative force is the parents' role. And not the levels of parenting such as the level of FAIL where guns are given to the hands of babies. Normative belief with this in mind would mean that shooting sad animals with sad eyes is acceptable, and would move with games and fill it with people with sad eyes and of course they are going to carry it out into their lives. There are even ways to make physical violence acceptable: martial arts discipline, an array of sports, freaking pillowfights dammit! In addition ratings are around for a reason and it is up to people to justify our gift of free will by taking responsibility for it and understanding that being violent has consequences or to just not expose themselves to it at all.

Yes it is very unfortunate that school shootings happen, and it isn't fair to families who suffer losses in either party. But to confuse correlation with causality is something that is unsustainable in science due to possible "other" forces. I feel this should be applied to life. We will blame the nameless corporations that put out these games for money and not look at where immediate people fall short. We will blame public icons because they have the money and stand off-ish attitude to appear to not care although they cannot grasp all the details of their daily lives let alone the situation. We will never blame ourselves, we will never look to ourselves, and we will never accept that we are capable of fault. We do not wish to exercise our minds and will always blame higher powers for "leading us" to make decisions. PLEASE introspect a bit, put humility into your humanity so there is no need for mind police.

NIA: Non-Impact Aerobics, Neuromuscular Integrative Action

2009-05-19T07:13:00.000-07:00

It took me ages to find what it actually stood for, this is because they are indecisive as well. Interestingly enough they do treat it like a word, just referring to their random series of movement as Nia, but it's NOT a word. And lumping it with Yoga is a quick judgment and makes no sense seeing as how this movement program includes Yoga in it. And no, the martial arts involved are this terrible combination of the three, not separate studies... Aikido movement arms plus a TKD front kick a unique martial art d o not make. As a martial artist, this deeply wounds me. I'll now have to hear "I have a first degree black belt in Nia" which will only make me think "I payed to certify that I can flail about like an idiot". It's nearly as irritating as someone being awarded a charteuse belt.

I happened on this atrocity at the dance parade in Thompkins Sq Park. It's a dance parade, and the site says that the movement includes dance, so fine it would make sense that you would perform centerstage in order to promote your geriatric cult. NO! there was no dancing to be had. Instead I was greeted with this in between unique displays of hip hop ballet and bellydancing (if there is an actual video up of the 2009 dance parade horror that I actually did see, you can bet it will be here the moment I find it).

Analyzing the site, the letter from the CEO is a bit disturbing. First off, its a CEO of something that people believe is a spiritual movement. A spiritual form of movement that happens to have its own pants, shirts, bottles, mats, and other paraphen alia. Sounds like a certain kind of yoga. Second, they refer to his period of time before as being pre-Nia. I don't know ANYONE who refers to themselves as pre-yoga, pre-skydiver, pre-KKK member... I assume an all encompassing existence that embraces the virsality of the body would assume that you have the ability to be Nia within you all along. Not sound like, "before I was a born again christian, again.." Thirdly, and most amusingly, I don't hear much about their promotional tour. I hear how much this man loves Debbie. Sounds like she's all into it and someone is seriously whipped to the point he decided to take over the company so Debbie could continue to spiritually grow so he could sell it. What a brilliant business model, someone forces themselves into having an expanding soul and the other sells the metaphysical growth.

So fine, a crazy cult that gets middle aged women to tear themselves away from the computer screen and move about. I guess thats fine. But did I mention that just about anything that people believe are associated with the spiritual actually help. Thank you placebo effect, more proof that we are minds hoping that there is a power beyond us that cannot be tricked by this very ruse. And even if they are a crazy cult, I don't think they are doing anything all that detrimental. Even if they do, I think that we can take on a bunch of middle aged women armed with bastardized t'ai chi and duncan dance.

An introduction from both ends

2009-05-16T10:08:00.000-07:00

Good day! Piece of mind is a product of a curious mind and way too much free time. The header can be seen in this sketch on the back of a graph and notes for our latest findings in the human brain stem. Sums up how I feel about most things. If my department actually ever does find that they are to trash a brain, I will be stealing it and putting googly eyes on it so that the header will be a photograph and not just a sketch.

And now a rant about the swine flu

The current work policy, in light of this H1N1 paranoia is "should one feel any symptom related to influenza, they must immediately report to the head of infection control and take the next 5 days off". Given that I do work in a hospital environment where hand sanitizer can be found on every corner; I do find this as ineffective as the one hand sanitizer dispenser directly infront of the elevator. I don't care who I have to tell about the fact that I sneezed once, but the amount of days that I sit at home perpetually reinfecting myself does not matter.

In addition to the higher authorities doling out the paranoia, we are all left with news reports of our fellow man reacting to the "pandemic". People around the world are hoarding Tamiflu in order to be prepared for themselves. This is a reflection of the dependent nature of humanity. It is also infuriating because these are probably the same people who decide to never finish their antibiotics because they "feel better" already and will save the left over for the next time they get a bacterial infection. Guess what guys, this is one of the worst things you could do, especially if you at all care about antibiotic resistant mutations. In addition, H1N1 is a virus. By this same logic, antibiotic should cure AIDS, oh wait HIV is human immunodeficiency VIRUS. Did I mention that the symptoms of the swine flu are nearly identical to the normal flu? The reason we are freaking out about it is because people are coming down with the flu when its not "flu season". Flu season? During not swimsuit season? the horror.
Also, if you are taking Tamiflu if you don't actually have the flu let me paste to you some of the side effects:

Observed During Clinical Practice

The following adverse reactions have been identified during postmarketing use of TAMIFLU. Because these reactions are reported voluntarily from a population of uncertain size, it is not possible to reliably estimate their frequency or establish a causal relationship to TAMIFLU exposure.

Body as a Whole: Swelling of the face or tongue, allergy, anaphylactic/anaphylactoid reactions

Dermatologic: Dermatitis, rash, eczema, urticaria, erythema multiforme, Stevens-Johnson Syndrome, toxic epidermal necrolysis (see PRECAUTIONS)

Digestive: Hepatitis, liver function tests abnormal Cardiac: Arrhythmia

Gastrointestinal disorders: Gastrointestinal bleeding, hemorrhagic colitis

Neurologic: Seizure

Metabolic: Aggravation of diabetes

Psychiatric: Delirium, including symptoms such as altered level of consciousness, confusion, abnormal behavior, delusions, hallucinations, agitation, anxiety, nightmares (see PRECAUTIONS)

(source: www.rxlist.com)

I'm not saying that the flu in general is something to be taken lightly. I'm saying to make an effort to understand your actions. Hoarding is uncessary and you are hurting the people around you. Diseases are never technically airborne, they exist clinging to the bits of spittle that can be covered in a cough or sneeze. I'm not against the masks if you are too lazy on your magic phone to pull your hands away. And we all know public places are infested with a myriad of things, so that's an awareness issue. Although the cases of flu are on the rise the mortality ranges between 5 to 68, depending on where you're looking and what country you decide to stay in. The first death in NY was reported today with the first person lacking a pre-existing medical condition. Many of the deaths have been very young or elderly people and people with viral pneumonia and asthma, which leave them to be more prone to respiratory illnesses in general.

In closing, this is a pandemic of infection, but we are no longer in the days of bloodletting and shamanism. I'd like to believe that with a little awareness, the view of this illness can come to calmer and less antic levels.

Dr. Richard Kogan

2009-05-01T11:17:00.000-07:00

"Freud once said, in a brief moment of modesty that 'we must lay down our arms; psychoanalysis has nothing to offer in uncovering the mystery of creativity'; he also just didn't get music either" ~Dr. Richard Kogan

You are my hero

I just went to a grand rounds presentation from a Julliard graduate pianist and an M.D. accredited psychiatrist. Probably partially explained by my undying affection for diagnosably tortured artists, I have and always will believe psychosis gives a relative clarity through the creative veil. A dire crusade against over medication is fueled by the belief that it mutes creative genius. But today what was pointed out to me was that Schumann (bipolar composer) begged for all doctors for something to take away the auditory hallucinations; Artists will do anything to create the masterpiece "even destroying other people's lives" (Kogan). Arguments for either idea often forget that people are cognizant beings and need both options open to them.

Moving performance, moving diagnoses, and moving ideas; I'm so content right now

also a link if you care
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_DmRi3HxkI

Emails from my boss

2009-02-19T11:18:00.000-08:00

day 1:

I have finished the power point presentation and the 4 graphs with error bars set in both the excel in sigmaplot, is there anything that you currently need me to do?

(signature)

response:

I HAVE A WACOM MONITOR!

(boss signature)

day2:

Congratulations! I'm glad to hear that your computer has been sufficiently upgraded. It sounds like a lot of fun. By the way, was there anything that you needed me to work on the abstract or perhaps the power point?

(sig)

response:

I WANT TO PLAY WITH MY WACOM!!

(boss sig)

day 3:

Since Vicky will not be around I was told that you would be able to help me conduct the second round of interviews for the new hires. Are there times that you would be around to grill the potential staff?

(sig)

reponse:

YAAAAAY

(boss sig)

Something

2008-06-22T11:19:00.000-07:00

I know there is a place so beautiful and perfect
that makes my heart skip beats
somewhere that is just simple and sweet
where a large tree sits watching over an endless lake
and a swing to hold me strong
I can sit and swing and be
and when I tire I can look out to the distant horizon
with water lapping at my feet
something to wash me clean
And this place is mine
mine to share or mine to keep
To understand and know
and try my hardest not to let go

dreams

2008-03-15T11:22:00.000-07:00

I was in a classroom in high school and we were getting back an assignment for some sort of drawing class, I got it back and saw that it was one of the comics that I had done recently. The teacher then turned to a student named Lana who I knew was muslim and the teacher asked why she had not done the project for such and easy grade. The teacher then answered herself and by asking if Lana was the one who believed that gender segregation was wrong or something. Lana just looked at the teacher angrily and sarcastically replied, "yes I think its wrong, thats why I'm at this high school" (I went to an all girls high school). The teacher then left and it was time to leave, and Lana looked at me and was like WTF, and told me if Noelle hadn't informed me they were going to have a get together before the Sadie's dance. Then Kathleen and Elaine appeared and asked for "juicy details" about my date, but I hadn't told anyone that I didn't have one and didn't really care about the stupid thing. They asked me politely, but I turned the question back on Elaine and she decided to answer and whisper to both of us. We huddled in close but I didn't hear anything. Suddenly Carrie from my grade school said, oh no I was going to have a get together before the Sadie's thing, but we all ignored her and got ready to leave through the sliding door. When I walked through I was on someone's backyard and there were metal bleachers on the grass full of freshman guys, none of whom I recognized. There was an empty patch of grass to the right of them so I went there and I dropped a soda on the ground. It was completely full and unopened, but there were other soda bottles on the ground and I didn't want the full one to go to waste to I tried to get it and put it back inside. There were children on the field and they were trying to take it away. I chased a small boy through the grass who was kicking my soda and I looked up to see the whole of the event and it was a grade school graduation party that I was at. I grabbed hold of the soda and realized I was very lost. The place was full of people but none of them I knew and just felt alone. So I sat and let the grass take me.

death by pan!

2008-02-18T12:37:00.000-08:00

This month's pertinent dreams occurred when david was here, which is always great to wake up in a sweat and turn over and have a human teddy bear.

So we were going to hang out at the California adventure hotel and it had a small peter pan like merry go round in it, however when I got into the pirate ship like thing I was still hanging out. It turned a round in circles and I could see the fireplace coming closer. I got out and got the the train station, which looked an awful lot like the one that we took from westchester after Bri's birthday shindig. But over the intercom, we were informed that there was a serial killer on the loose. Some part of me knew that it had to be cait and I set out to make sure that if it was her, to talk her down slowly, or if it wasn't, I needed to protect her. I walked back from the trainstop to the front of the hotel and saw that there was a race set up around the entire bottom floor, the carousel of fail was still there and we had to run around it. There was a tourguide woman there cherrily telling us the rules, that if we hit specific buttons on the sides we could see the tracks of wild critters (since the hotel for CA adventure is a lodge theme) on the racetrack. I was amused and had to hit all the buttons at once, much to the chagrin of the other people around me. I began to follow what I deemed to be the rabbit tracks and it led to the woman and she said that the tracks did in fact lead off the track and around the back porch area to where the train went through. I decided to follow them and found myself back at the beginning and was hit from behind repeatedly by a pan hacking off my left shoulder, which was cait. She yelled in sucess as I fell bleeding to the ground, but I looked up and saw that it was in fact david being handcuffed and dragged away.

hello 2008, here's a post

2008-01-31T21:15:00.000-08:00

So I haven't actually posted something legit here that is about my life and whatnot.

It's two weeks into the semester and I will admit that my schedule is not the pain train I'm used to from Sophomore year. As thankful for that as I am, I feel unproductive and like I'm not doing enough. The photography class I'm taking is digital and filled with Stern finance students, and the teacher has never even been in a dark room. Happy though I am for the fact that I will not become a chemically mutated moleperson this semester, its sad to know that this is the way of the future and dark room time has been converted to photoshop lessons. I pray will will do more than learn how to make a very pretty myspace photo.
Drawing class is something I needed to take because I've never had a drawing class before I developed actual fine motor skills. I feel this can help with the creating of the comic (which actually counts towards the stuff in my sketchbook) and other things. The only qualm I have with drawing classes is that it doesn't really nurture the idea of creating, just recreating. I guess that's why me teacher is as placid as can be about whether or not we actually draw the things infront of us.
The psychopathology lab is interesting. It's taught by the teacher I had for abnormal psychology whom I dubbed the embodiment of psychological commentary. In this lab however, they hope to help the writing of the students into APA format and for concise and eloquent papers. They've enlisted an English professor as well to look over our lab reports...which I think is pretty cool but still odd. He is the embodiment of a novelist...I'm not kidding. He's younger than Kellogg with the sharp pointed nose, slightly longer combed hair, the small reading glasses, the tweed jacket with the elbow patches, an awkward and never complimentary to his shirt tie, and those things that keep your socks up...and penny loafers. I can't remember his name for the life of me right now. He and Kellogg stand next to each other and comment about "celebrity rehab" which is the greatest overheard conversation in the world (I'll post it when I get his name and find my syllabus). This class is data entry into SPSS, which would go fast if 80% of the students did not respond to modems by getting doe-eyed and mumbling "com-pew-tar"? Needless to say I'm in charge of the data entry for our group since it was my internship for all of 2 semesters ago. The class period is 2 hours long, on a good day lecture takes 30 min and data entry and analyzing takes 15-20 and then go home and cook chicken parm til my next class at 4.
Medieval Misogyny speaks for itself, as if I wasn't aware people hated women during any era, in the words of XKCD "epoch failure". If its medieval I don't know why we are starting with the book of Genesis because I'm fairly sure that is was written before feudalism became an issue and more when all people who knew ol' JC were running from persecution. We could start there I guess since it's the base of the knowledge in the renaissance and an even more common subject of art (thats obvious) and literature (See convivio by dante). Women are evil, we are blamed for the fall of man and also blamed for having bodies men want. Yes, so far based on the punishments of God, we get "pangs at child birth" and men get to toil the earth to eat and try not to be distracted by us. Put blinders on, BAM half the problem gone.
I'm also looking for a real job. Being a senior I didn't get as many hours as I had hoped because they are trying to phase out the old workers to make way for the new ones that know what they are doing. Fine by me, but I need to pay my bills somehow. Coming back from Winter break I'm still operating on one paycheck and had to make chicken selects from McD's last all day. That was a low day, but whatever it happens. The books I got in exchange weren't so bad, I'm most excited about the APA manual...yes, more interested in the APA manual than "romance of the rose", I fail at this female thing. Also taken to working out 3 days out of the week, which is fun cuz I'm training for brown belt and enjoying the mats at coles. However, Will has decided that training should be done to an extreme and makes sure none of us can walk for a good while afterward.

I'm also playing kingdom hearts 2 final mix +
which is GREAT, its like OMG yay crack.

That's about it.
The webcomic has a blog now, I have no idea where my future will be, and Sora makes me happy.

cos you can’t go taking it back
there’s a time and a place for that
well don’t you wanna be relevant oh no ~ the cribs

yesss bummery

2007-08-21T10:34:00.000-07:00

APARTMENT GOTTEN!
just can't move in until sept 8th
until then, I'm a BUM!

:D, I'll be living with Frank most of the time, watching and playing with his kids

odd dreams

2007-06-01T12:27:00.000-07:00

This is pretty much going to be my dream journal.
I figure why not have a blog everywhere possible

5.28.07
today I had a dream I was in an anime where I had to try and stop this terrorist group from kidnapping this royal family's daughter. The prince threw a small dinner and gave me flowers for accepting the job and for my birthday. I found out that it was one of the people who worked for them and they had to meet on these train tracks that were really high above the ground, they also had gaps in between them where the tracks were invisible to ward off foes...it was still very hard to run in this dream because we tried to catch a train...so me and two other people ran down the train tracks to the table where the evil terrorists were meeting. The two people untied the daughter and I confronted the leader who threw a kitchen knife at me. So I jumped off the train tracks to dodge the knife and then ran into the forest to draw out his lackeys. We then fought in the forest with swords and I fought with the kitchen knife that I had dodged. Luckily I was able to stab one in the chest and slit the other's throat...The leader then came out with a hook sword and we had to fight. I was forced to dodge a lot (why I didn't pick up a sword from the fallen lackeys I don't know) and stab him in the stomach. He was still moving so I stabbed him in the back but everytime I looked at him from the front it was through his neck, so I removed the knife and reaimed and stabbed again...but it still looked wrong. He was dead, I spoke to their fallen spirits and made sure they would repent, then I collapsed and I saw the family reunite with the daughter...then I headed home..
At some point in the dream I found out that the family owned a chocolate shop and I said that I knew the family and demanded a box of chocolate...and I ate it :D mmm

5.15.07
Another dream from a while ago involved me being shot 4 days into the future to tell spiderman not to do something or else it would cause a horrible overlord to rule the world. I tried to tell myself it was a dream because the layout of manhattan was way too small and I don't believe that there is a planet hollywood in NY, which is the first place I was sent to. I got tired of trying to find spiderman so I sat down on a kiddie rollercoaster which had seats that were giant baked potatoes...I failed to find spiderman that time so I was shot 4 days into the future again and found Mary Jane and asked her to pass on a message for me...which I can't recall...So I walked away from her hoping it would work, then I found myself 4 more days into the future and cursing her...I found subway steps on a train...that shouldn't exist because the color was purple and a man tapped me on the shoulder to ask if I was ok, and it was who I needed. I woke up...

I barely remember

2006-01-13T11:52:00.000-08:00

The distorted images in the distance clutter the same path
cradled by the nearing and evading horizon
These eyes can choose familiarity in memory or familiarity in change
These soles have wandered between shadow and sun
Guided by curiosity and the cracks in the sidewalks and footpaths